Ho'oponopono
“Forgive me
I’m sorry
Thank you
I love you”
Do you know it? In ancient Hawaiian times the Ho’oponopono prayer was used to heal and transform the relationship between two or more people, and was said to bring inner peace and self-love to all parties. It’s a formal reconciliation, but has roots that reach deep into the nether regions of the consciousness.
The prayer is done so: each person says the mantra to the other, beginning with “forgive me,” and then speaks extemporaneously about all the things they need forgiveness for in this situation, all the things they are sorry for, all the things they are thankful for, after each phrase.
It is more gracious and wise than you might at first realize. This is no simple “bad guy asking forgiveness from his or her innocent victims” scenario, no. Remember that every person in the ceremony must take their turn saying the same prayer.
Ah. There is the rub. Your cousin stole your pig and now you’re asking him for forgiveness. How does that work? And is it fair?
Well, it works because it forces you to perceive a situation through the eyes of another - not as you think they should see it, but as they actually do, which elicits compassion. And no person can be truly strong or brave if they cannot first feel compassion. It’s fair because it allows you to heal and release negative emotions that hold you back from living a life of joyful ease, which is the birthright of all people.
It’s not easy, if you’ve never done it before, and depending on the gravity of the transgression you are seeking to release. It takes courage to apologize to someone you think has wronged you or done wrong by others, broken some moral code or social norm. It takes wisdom to see the gifts they brought with them when they hurt you. And it takes humility to see where you yourself are in need of forgiveness.
And yet these are the only way to take back your power from painful times, and so to practice this prayer does not in any way condone or pardon terrible - or god forbid, violent or criminal - behavior, but rather frees you from the cycle of endless self-punishment that comes in the form of unresolved anger, pain or trauma relived, long after the fact itself. To say this prayer is to begin the work of restoring oneself to wholeness.
The beauty of the exercise is also that you can use it on yourself - on the parts of you that hate, judge, demean or sabotage your better nature, your critical inner voice. You can also use it by yourself, meaning that the person you are doing it for does not have to be present or even aware of your private prayer. Either way, it will still be healing for you and allow you to move forward on a lighted path. It’s the world’s best game of Solitaire.
Writer’s Block
I have a block that I’ve carried for several years. Whom it has to do with, or what the circumstances that contributed to it are, are immaterial here, but suffice it to say that they have become an obstacle to the flow of my writing, like a boulder in a stream that I can’t seem to get around or lose sight of, no matter what topsy-turvy way I try to gain a different perspective. I feel I’ve done a lot of work to take the sting out of the situation, and even to see it from a more compassionate point of view. In a way, it’s come to feel like ancient history. Something distant and no longer to bother about.
But when I sit down to write, I can feel that the block is still there. It is stubborn and cloaked in shadows, felt more than seen. Perhaps it was hoping it could tag along with me as I step into my future, thinking myself unencumbered, and then one day surprise me by coming out sideways and wreaking havoc. The block feels like an entity - a real thing - but it refuses to reveal its full edges or outline, making it all the more immovable and imposing. How can I release something I can’t even quite define?
Hmm. Obviously, I am still holding on to something here. And what suffers as a result? Only myself - my flow, my easeful life, the pursuit of my dream.
Recently - very recently, in fact; this week! - I have been feeling called to move further into the energy of forgiveness. It’s the final frontier for me. I’ve dipped my toe in the shallow end and found that, if the water isn’t exactly “fine,” it’s at least warm enough. But I’ve never stripped down and dived in. So today I am looking to the Ho’oponopono prayer for aid. I’ve done a ten minute meditation, setting my intention, and what you read next will be whatever comes to me. Follow along; what times, people, or places in your own life can this be applied to? How do you feel after saying this prayer? I’d love to hear some of your experiences in the comments section below.
Please Forgive Me
Dear ____, Forgive me for thinking “reports of your pain have been greatly exaggerated.” I thought your point of view was wrong, and that you should not be hurt. Forgive me for not accepting that you are hurt and going from there. Forgive me for understanding, but not allowing for, the fact that you did not get the guidance that I got. Forgive me for adding to your pain with words that were used to hurt, maim, and shame, as I felt hurt, maimed and shamed by you. Forgive me for forgetting temporarily that I am not on this earth to hurt anybody, but to show a better way. Forgive me for shoddy and unloving communication. Forgive me for giving up on you.
I’m Sorry
I am sorry for expecting you to give what you did not have to give. I am sorry I then mistook you for the source of my pain because I did not yet know that only we can be the sources of our own pain and happiness. I am sorry for making you responsible for my emotional well-being. I am sorry I was not operating on a higher level of consciousness when this was all happening, and could not benefit from higher perspectives. I am sorry I had not learned to identify my own shadows or to recognize when they were in the driver’s seat. I am sorry for letting you make me feel worthless and devalued, and for acting from that place, rather than understanding that worth and value are an inside job. I am sorry I did not shore up my own boundaries and remain grounded throughout our interactions. I am sorry we missed out this time around on a loving and supportive family experience. I am sorry for projecting my own fantasies on to you and then blaming you when you did not live up to them. I am sorry for not understanding that that was what I was doing. I am sorry we could not be what we needed to be for each other.
On the other hand, maybe we were exactly what we needed to be for each other, in which case I am sorry for not recognizing or receiving it as such. Please know that I recognize and receive it now.
Thank You
Thank you for being fun to talk movies and trade recipes with. Thank you for the frying pan I have used almost every day for the last 20 years because it is, in fact, the best. Thank you for being generous with my boys. Thank you for doing the best that you could.
Thank you, too, for abandoning me so harshly, for it required immeasurable force to crack the foundation of my Ego and let a brighter light shine in. No average disappointment or betrayal would do. Thank you for shattering me and bringing me to my knees at my most vulnerable time. When I stood back up I found I was standing on my own, perhaps for the first time. Thank you for plucking me from my comfortable and uneventful track and hurling me, without warning, onto another one where dangers, obstacles and challenges await. As we know, no person can grow without them.
Without you, I would never have begun my path as a seeker. Thank you. Without you, I would never have learned my own true worth and value or where to find them. Thank you. Without you, I would never have learned to find, define, and protect my boundaries. Thank you. Without you, I might never have learned to fight, and fight hard, for what’s important, and defend, and defend hard, the people that I love. Thank you for forcing me to confront my greatest fears head on, and by myself, because it showed me that I could.
Thank you for holding space for darkness so that I could learn to strike a match. Thank you for showing me important things that I don’t want to be. Thank you, too, for putting animosity aside on the worst day of my life, when I thought I was dying, to ask if I had eaten. Thank you for giving me a chance to exercise empathy, learn forgiveness, and practice letting go in ways both deep and meaningful and soul-expanding.
Dear one, thank you for agreeing to be the storm that blew me off course forever and for the better. Because of you, I’ve found distant and exotic shores. Thank you. Because of you, I know what all “my shit” is - where it resides, its many disguises, where it turns up and why. Because of you, I’ve stumbled onto a path that has opened my mind to an intriguing possibility: we just might have spit and shaken on all this before coming here.
“I’ll show you your ugly parts if you show me mine.”
“Agreed. Shake!”
“It won’t be fun.”
“No. And it won’t be pretty.”
“No.”
“But it’s what we both need.”
In unison: “Yes.”
Thank you for holding up your part of this soul contract. Thank you for not pretending to feelings you do not have. And thank you for letting me go.
I Love You.
I do. And I find I can love better in the letting go than I did in the hanging on. I forgive and release all betrayals, power struggles, abandonment, scarcity, grief, rejections and disappointments. I do not wish to hold on to the past. I give thanks for the hidden blessings that it has bestowed upon me.
Go in peace.
Next time we’ll do it better.
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